Golden Sun Exposed
by Kyarorain
Summary: In a nefarious scheme by the Wise One, the Adepts are sent to Earth with the task of appearing on a certain talk show, where their secrets are exposed.
1. Chapter 1

Golden Sun Exposed... on the Jerry Springer show

* * *

So, I wanted to do a parody of Jerry Springer since I've seen it done a few times. However, I've never watched an episode of Jerry Springer because it doesn't air where I live. So it's hardly an accurate representation of a real episode of Jerry Springer. My apologies.

I already entered this in a contest a long while back and decided to put it up on this site as well.

Camelot owns Golden Sun and obviously I have nothing to do with Jerry Springer who is... a real person with a bizarre talkshow.

* * *

Jerry Springer reclined on his Barcalounger, fully prepared to bring in more money with yet another one of those talk show episodes. It was fun to make money off scandals and gossip. Who needed soap operas when real life was crazy enough? The audience was jampacked with people who had paid to come sit in the studio and even more people would be watching it live.

Today was special. Jerry didn't quite understand it, but a floating rock with an eye had appeared to him a few days ago, telling him things and asking nicely for a special show in which his friends could be on. Apparently they had scandalous secrets and stuff. Scandalous secrets were practically sustenance for his life force, so of course he had graciously accepted the offer.

The odd thing was, he wasn't quite sure where these people came from. The Wise One had told him that they were coming from a place named Weyard. Even Googling Weyard had simply brought up information on some Nintendo game for the Gameboy Advance. Some RPG named Golden Sun. He hadn't bothered looking in further and given up.

Then strangely enough, last night, the rock had appeared again and given him a little more information so that he could properly present his show and introduce them. Apparently they were characters from the game itself. How was that even possible? Oh, well, at least he was getting money. It could ease his woes and he wouldn't have to worry about why talking rocks with eyeballs were speaking to him.

The show was about to begin. Jerry got off the Barcalounger and went to sit on a very comfy looking armchair. He flashed a cheesy grin at the camera as some random tune played. The show had well and truly begun and now people could feast on the shocking scandals he was about to present with his special guests from another... world? Country? Whatever it was.

"Good morning!" Jerry exclaimed. "You are watching the Jerry Springer show! Today, I will be presenting special guests from... wait for it, a video game! Can you believe it?"

The audience went quiet and stared at each other. Whispered mutterings floated up from the crowd as people speculated that Jerry was on crack or that he had finally gone insane from listening to various scandalous secrets. Perhaps that last special on the person who was his own grandfather and the extraterrestrial married to a horse had broken his brain.

"They are coming all the way from an RPG for the Gameboy Advance, Golden Sun! Well, if what the floating eyeball told me was true," Jerry said, chuckling. "Now, let's prepare to spill the shocking secrets of these wayward teens."

The audience was still staring. A floating rock with an eye? He really was crazy, wasn't he? As they continued to stare and wonder where he was hiding the crack, Jerry announced the first guests to come onto the stage and Isaac and Mia walked on.

**"My Boyfriend is a Mute"**

"Welcome, Isaac and Mia, isn't it?" Jerry said as Isaac and Mia sat on the couch opposite him. "It's very nice to meet you both. Now won't you tell us a little about yourselves to get the show started?"

"It's nice to meet you," Mia said graciously, smiling as she looked around in excitement. "My name is Mia and I come from a snowy town called Imil, where I am a member of the Mercury Clan. It was our duty to watch the Mercury Lighthouse. I'm a healer foremost and I'm sure everybody appreciates having me on the team."

Isaac just stared blankly at Jerry, then upon realising that the question he had been asked could be answered yes or no, he promptly shook his head. Jerry frowned slightly at him and Mia let out a sigh.

"This is my boyfriend, Isaac. He was the leader of our party at first until we joined up with everyone else. He comes from a village named Vale and he's rather quiet as you can tell," Mia said. "In fact, Isaac cannot even talk at all. He speaks by shaking or nodding his head."

"I see," Jerry said, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. "In fact, that is the very subject of this talk, isn't it? This is what you wished to speak about. Won't you clarify it to the audience?"

"Here it is," Mia said, drawing in a deep breath and turning to stare at a camera. "My boyfriend is a mute. I'm in love with someone who hasn't even spoken a word for an entire game. Wait, whatever happened to the second game?" She sat back, looking confused. Why was she complaining about something disproved in Golden Sun: The Lost Age? Oh, yes, for cheap humour.

"I see," Jerry said sympathetically, leaning back in the chair. "So, Isaac, does it ever bother you? Being unable to speak?"

Isaac shrugged and shook his head. He was used to it after all and could communicate quite well simply by moving his head.

"How do you feel about it, Mia?" Jerry asked, glancing at the blue-haired maiden. "Surely, having a boyfriend who doesn't talk, you must feel like you're missing something."

"I love Isaac," Mia said, sounding slightly defensive as she leaned against him. "He's sweet, caring, sensitive and he's always willing to listen to me when I want to talk about my problems. I have such a wonderful, understanding boyfriend and I wouldn't trade him in for anyone else."

"Isaac is lucky to have such a loyal and caring girlfriend," Jerry said, as Isaac happily nodded and smiled at Mia. "But, Mia, aren't there repercussions to your boyfriend not speaking to you? You can't even have a conversation."

"Well..." Mia awkwardly played with the hem of her dress, a pink tinge creeping across her cheeks. "I suppose that the sex can be kind of dull." Isaac stared at her, plainly aghast with her sudden honesty. "I just stopped talking during it because I was so tired of trying to make up for his silence."

"That's a shame," Jerry said, tutting and shaking his head. "I'm sorry to hear that. But do you ever want to, maybe, have a deep, meaningful conversation? What do you do then?"

"I suppose I have no choice but to confess," Mia said, biting her lower lip. Isaac's eyes widened. "Please don't hate me, Isaac, but... I talk to other people to compensate for the silence in our relationship!"

"That's it?" Jerry cried out. He had been expecting something far more shocking.

Mia closed her eyes and turned away. "I don't want to cheat on Isaac or anything. I just want to have what I'm missing, because to be honest, it sucks to have a boyfriend who never says a single word."

Isaac sat back and silently cried. He did everything silently.

"Please forgive me, Isaac!" Mia latched onto his arm and looked at him tearfully. "Sometimes I just want to have a noisy argument or to have a fun conversation. I wish you could talk."

"I can't talk," Isaac said, startling every single person in the studio. "Because if I do, I sound like a pompous know-it-all jerk of a leader and my personality is much better when I do not talk."

"What?" Jerry cried out incredulously. He looked accusingly at Mia. "You said he was a mute!"

"I'm... just as surprised as you are," Mia said nervously, glancing at Isaac who was now looking very glum. "Honest."

"As I looked at the dying body of my father, whom I unknowingly helped kill, all I said was that I knew what I was doing when I raised my sword," Isaac said sadly. "Even when I am faced by two scary Mars Adepts, all I do is rudely ask them to get out of the way. My personality sucks."

"That is quite a shame, Isaac. I am sorry to hear that," Jerry said. "I suppose I can see why you choose not to talk."

"But, you know, I am totally an awesome leader!" Isaac said, punching the air with a fist. "I can do anything I want. I don't even need friends to help out! Why do you think that those people in the Alhafra Inn talking about Deadbeard only mention me? Why does Feizhi only credit me for saving Hsu or Ulmuch or whoever? It's simple! I did all the work! Garet? Ivan? Mia? Whoever the heck are they?"

Everyone was silent, staring in shock at Isaac as he proceeded to sound full of himself and laugh like some annoying jerk. Mia slowly drew out a mace from behind her back, grinding her teeth in annoyance.

"Everybody loves me and nobody else because I do all the work," Isaac continued. "I rock because I totally owned a two-headed dragon then a three-headed dragon. Yeah, I'm so awesome."

"Shut up, Isaac!" Mia thundered, slamming the mace into his head. Isaac fell to the floor in an unconscious heap. She glanced down at his body and giggled nervously. "Whoops. Hey, I think we should call an ambulance now."

"Yes," Jerry said weakly. "Please, get him out of here. Keep in mind I could get sued for falsehoods if anyone finds out. People want real stuff."

"Heh... sorry," Mia said, dragging Isaac off the stage as someone went to call an ambulance for the injured Venus Adept. A small pool of blood was left in front of the couch where it had come from his nasty wound.

"Well, that was interesting," Jerry said as he attempted to regain his composure. "Next up, we have a real confession of murder on live TV. Call the police? Who, me? No way! Now let's speak to this young man who took a life!"

Alex came striding onto the stage and sat down on the couch, ignoring the pool of blood as he calmly gazed around.

**"I killed Lord Babi"**

"Hello, Alex," Jerry said, smiling pleasantly at him. "Care to introduce yourself? It really is an honour to have a real murderer here."

"I only killed one person," Alex said, sounding slightly insulted. "I do not intend to kill any more people right now. Getting my hands dirty is not something I like to do. I prefer to have other people do stuff for me."

"Okay..." Jerry faltered, slightly taken aback. "But please do tell us a little about yourself."

"I am Alex and I come from a worthless little town called Imil," Alex said, sounding guarded. "I would rather not say much about myself. I am quite a secretive person, you see, and being an enigma is what I'm all about."

"Very well," Jerry said, placing his hands on his lap and smiling. "Now, please tell us about your confession. Whatever made you do it?"

"I killed Lord Babi," Alex said, suspenseful music playing in the background. "He was an old man who had been ruling Tolbi for many years and he wanted to live forever and discover the secrets of Alchemy. He and I had a lot in common."

"My goodness," Jerry said, looking shocked. "Live forever? Is that even possible?"

"Yes. In fact, that was also my goal," Alex said. "I suppose you could say he was a potential rival, but the foolish old man never even got close to discovering the true secrets of Alchemy, while I did."

"Very interesting," Jerry said. "Is that the reason why you killed him?"

"That's not the only thing," Alex said, lowering his head so that his long blue hair fell into his face. "Babi... he was my father."

"Really, now? But didn't you say you came from Imil? And he ruled Tolbi?" Jerry said, looking shocked. "It must have been a distant relationship."

"We had so much in common, it's not surprising a man like that is my father," Alex said, sounding slightly bitter. "The thing is... Babi never wanted to acknowledge his illegitimate son. He would rather pretend I didn't even exist."

A few cries of sympathy rose from the audience, but they were contested by people shouting he was a murderer anyway. Still, it wasn't hard to feel sorry for Alex as he crouched over on the sofa, looking unhappy.

"Years ago. he was travelling," Alex said. "He met my mother in Imil and things happened. He left before I was born. My mother told me about him though. Sadly, she passed away when I was young. Then I left Imil on a journey with people nearly a year ago. I visited Tolbi and I saw my father for the first time."

"What happened?" Jerry asked.

"He wouldn't even acknowledge me," Alex said sadly. "He said he had no son. I was rejected, left out in the cold. So I hired ninja to go off him and then reported his death to the group. That man was better off dead."

"I see... well, that will do," Jerry said, feeling slightly disturbed. "Thank you for coming on. Have a nice day."

"I just want to be loved," Alex wept, walking off the stage.


	2. Chapter 2

"Now for our next guest, a boy who is looked down upon by many." As Jerry finished speaking, Garet walked onto the stage and sat on the couch.

**"I still wet the bed at night"**

"Hello," said Jerry. "Good to see you. Please tell us a bit about yourself."

"I'm Garet and I come from Vale," Garet said, looking uncomfortable as he realised many people were watching. He had to talk about his issues in front of them? "My hobbies include burning things, killing monsters and eating food."

"Eating is a hobby?" Jerry blinked. "Well, okay. Now please tell us your shameful secret. Yes, that one. They already know what it is anyway."

Garet's eyes widened in shock. They already KNEW? Why did he even have to go and say it then? He swallowed and turned to look glumly at the audience. "I still wet the bed at night."

The audience broke out into uproarious laughter. Even Jerry started laughing. Garet clenched a fist, trying to resist the urge to slam it into Jerry's face. The man was a total jerk. The Wise One was a jerk too for setting them up like this.

"What a hoot!" Jerry chuckled. "Now tell us, is it true that you have a million bad habits? Your spelling isn't so hot either."

"Yeah, okay, so I can't spell," Garet said, unconsciously scratching his bottom. A camera panned in on the movement, showing it clearly to televisions. "But so what? I'm sure a lot of people can't spell! But I learned to spell my name because I would get a cake every time I wrote it out right."

"Fascinating," Jerry said. "Let's see an example of your writing."

A letter was immediately projected on the screen. Garet realised where his diary had gone and fumed angrily as it was broadcast to whoever was watching this show.

i"Deer dairy,"/i said the diary entry. i"I think Jenna is hot and I want to dayte her but I don't know if she lykes me so it makes me vary sad. So I ate the hole jar of cookys and the leftover kake from K's birfday, so I felt bettur afterwords. I'm also scaerd of Feelicks becos he's scary and mite be mad at me 4 likin Jenna. This sux."/i

"Who said you could show that?" Garet yelled.

"Oh, I'm sorry," Jerry said, feigning innocence. "Was it meant to be private? My apologies. But, kid, are you sure Jenna would date you?"

"Why not?" Garet asked, idly picking his nose. "I'm hot stuff. It's just Felix who scares me."

"Please take your finger out of your nose," Jerry said.

"Whoops," Garet said, pulling it out. "Sorry, bad habit. But you know what sucks? I'm always getting bashed for my bad habits! People make fun of me, make me do really stupid things and even make these habits up! It sucks!"

"So you're... not that bad?" Jerry asked, looking shocked. "Really? I had no idea!"

"Shut up!" Garet yelled, bristling with annoyance. He was that close to setting the annoying man on fire. "Okay, so I might be a bit rash and clumsy and I'm not that bright but... I am sick of being bashed. I'm not a freaking clown to make fun of."

"But you still wet the bed at night," Jerry said. "Isn't that something to make fun of?"

"But... but... that guy was giving me money to say... this is all a lousy sham!" Garet exclaimed in realisation. "They all set me up. Every single one of them. I'll get them. And you. And your little dog too."

Silence fell over the studio as everyone reeled from Garet's ominous speech. They swore his voice had dropped an octave or two while he was speaking. The uncomfortable silence continued as Garet continued to glare levelly at Jerry, who merely stared blankly back at him and tried to recall if he had a dog or not.

Then Garet let out a horribly loud fart and his face went bright red. "Shoot, I shouldn't have eaten those baked beans," he muttered. "You know what? I'm out of here! I'm not going to be the entertainment for any longer!" And with that, Garet huffily got off the sofa, stormed away, only to fall flat on his face.

The audience laughed again and the camera zoomed in on Garet as he angrily got up and stormed away again, feeling quite humiliated.

"What a riot!" Jerry laughed and clapped. "My eyes are tearing up with laughter here! Let's call Jenna on here and see what she thinks!"

Jenna came on and sat down on the couch. She happily waved at the audience and looked around in wide-eyed curiosity. Everything was so strange after all.

"So, Jenna, you saw that diary entry, didn't you?" Jerry asked.

"It was hard to read," Jenna said honestly. "Garet's not so good at spelling. Uh... I got something about him liking me and hoping Felix wouldn't find out."

"Why would he worry about Felix finding out?" Jerry asked.

"My brother is totally overprotective," Jenna said, sighing in frustration. "He glares daggers at every man that crosses my path and tells me to be back inside before dark otherwise he thinks I'm being kidnapped and comes to my rescue."

"I see..." Jerry said. "That must be a pain."

"You know what?" Jenna said, getting to her feet. "I'm going to date Garet, just to see the look on Felix's face. That will teach him!"

"But he scratches his butt and he picks his nose and he..." Jerry protested. "Don't lower yourself-"

"Are you insulting Garet?" Jenna yelled, her eyes glowing with fire. Jerry cowered in his seat, quivering with fear. "I'm tired of all these insults! Garet is sweet, loveable, handsome, funny, loyal and he always looks out for those close to him! What more could you possibly ask for in a boyfriend?"

Jerry couldn't speak. He was just too afraid to. As Jenna fumed and stormed off the stage, he let out a sigh of relief. That had to be the scariest girl he had ever seen in his entire life.

"And now we have another guest of course," said Jerry. "The show is nowhere near over yet!" As the audience cheered, Piers walked onto the stage and sat, unaware that many people were suddenly drooling.

**"I have Split Personality Disorder"**

"Hello, Piers," Jerry said. "It's an honour to have an old man who looks like a teen on my show. Just when I thought this show couldn't get any more unbelievable."

"Uh, thanks, I guess..." Piers muttered, kind of put off by being called an old man. Then he suddenly spoke with a thick Japanese accent, "It is a pressure to meet you, Springer-san."

Jerry blinked and cocked his head. "Come again? Was that Japanese?"

"I'm sorry," Piers said, drawing in a deep breath. "It's my Split Personality Disorder." Then with the Japanese accent again. "Supuritto Paasonariti Disooda? What the heck are you going on about, Piers?"

"Be quiet!" Piers exclaimed, frowning. "I have a second personality inside me, you see. His name is Picard and for some reason he speaks with a really bad Japanese accent. I think it's because Picard is my Japanese name."

Jerry raised an eyebrow, feeling thoroughly confused. "Eh?"

"See, in the Japanese version of the game, I'm called Picard," Piers said, before snapping to the Japanese accent. "Hey! Don't make out like you're me! Boku ga Pikaado, sankyuu."

Jerry sat back and decided he would let Piers, or Picard, do the talking. He was far too confused to say anything.

"The nihongo name is the best!" Picard continued. "That's what the fandom thought back then, or most of them at any rate. Many of them refused to call me Piers, even saying it sounded like a Furansujin."

"I'm not a Frenchman!" Piers yelled in annoyance. "You're more French, having the same name as that bald guy from Star Trek! He was French, wasn't he? Jeez..." Piers sighed and slumped against the sofa. "What's wrong with my name?"

"Datte," Picard started speaking again. "Most of those ningen disappeared from the fandom. Demo, the effect of being called by two different names caused us to become two separate identities."

"I see..." Jerry rubbed his forehead. "How does it feel to have two personalities?"

"It's a pain in the ass!" cried Piers.

"Kowai," replied Picard. 'Danjite kowai desu."

"So, Piers," Jerry said. "Is there a noticeable difference between the two of you, beside your alter ego's love for Japanese?"

"It's annoying," Piers muttered. "The guy just seems to speak Japanese at random for no reason. He tends to be a bit more outspoken and annoying too. None of this would have happened if everyone just called me Piers from the start and hadn't clung so stubbornly to Picard!"

"It's because your name sucks!" Picard cried. "Furansujin!"

"And the ridiculous thing is, looking up my name shows that the root of it is English," Piers said in frustration. "Where were they getting this French thing from? Pierre? It's not even spelt the same!"

"It's kind of similar," Jerry muttered, trying not to fall asleep. "So... let's change the subject. You're an old man right?"

"Ie!" Picard cried. "Look at this fit, young body. Do I look old to you?"

"I refuse to tell my true age too," Piers said. "And don't call me an old man. I might get annoyed."

"And what would you do if I annoyed you, Captain Picard?" Jerry asked.

"You did not just go there," Picard said, jumping to his feet.

"I think he did," Piers said, sounding amused.

"Ooh, I'm so scared," Jerry said, pretending to look absolutely frightened. "Please don't hurt me, Jean-Luc. I think the crew of the Enterprise is waiting for you, maybe you should-"

Picard promptly froze him in a solid block of ice, much to the audience's horror. Most of them screamed.

"Crap, not again!" Piers exclaimed. He ran off the stage and the Wise One floated down.

"The man will be fine when he thaws," the Wise One assured, only startling people even more. "So don't worry, just work on melting him out or something." He promptly vanished as the studio erupted in panic.


	3. Chapter 3

Eventually, Jerry had thawed out and was now shivering within a thick blanket and sipping from a mug of hot coffee. It was time for the next guest to come on, and sure enough, Felix walked on and sat down on the couch.

**"I'm Expecting"**

"Ah, Felix, is it?" Jerry smiled pleasantly, despite the fact his teeth were chattering. Why couldn't he at least have had a longer break? "So, tell us why you are here."

"The Wise One forced me to come on," Felix muttered sulkily, gazing unhappily at the floor and wondering why there was a pool of blood there.

"Uh, of course..." Jerry muttered. He wished very much he could have seen what happened when the Wise One apparently appeared right onstage, but of course he had been frozen solid and by the time he thawed out, the pandemomium had died down. "So, what is your secret?"

"Apparently it's because I'm expecting a baby in a few months," Felix said, staring at the floor. "The rock said I had to talk about that."

Jerry frowned. "Wait, what? That's it?" Felix nodded. "I don't get it at all!" he yelled, startling Felix slightly. Jerry could see absolutely nothing scandalous about this, unless Felix was about to say it was a relative's or the mother was a monkey, something absurd like that...

Felix kept quiet, staring glumly at the floor as if he was wishing it would swallow him up right now. Jerry sighed and rubbed his forehead, as the audience began to mutter about how the show was getting dull and this was an absolute waste of their money and how they should not have bothered coming at all.

"Well, er, congratulations," Jerry said hesitantly.

"Thanks," Felix said, looking a little happier. "I'm really looking forward to this. A future with a child of my own."

"I'm sure you are," Jerry said, smiling weakly. Maybe he needed to probe a little deeper to get to the true scandal. It seemed as if Felix was hiding something from him. "So, why don't you tell me a little bit about the mother? She related?"

Felix gave Jerry a very blank stare. Jerry stared back. They stared at each other until the audience started yelling in protest and people watching TV began reaching for the remotes.

"I'm sorry," Felix said slowly. "Mother?"

Jerry almost fell off his nice, comfortable armchair. Instead, he gave him a look of exasperation. Goodness, he really was trying to hide something, wasn't he? He couldn't possibly be such an idiot. "The woman who is carrying your child!"

"Oh, no. You misunderstand..." Felix said hesitantly. "You see... I'm pregnant." He lifted his shirt and the camera zoomed in on his swelling abdomen.

Jerry went pale as a sheet and the audience began shouting again, declaring it to be complete and utter bullshit. It was obviously a hoax of some kind.

"But... but..." Jerry spluttered, shaking his head. "That's impossible! Surely there has to be a woman involved? Is this a crazy experiment? Did you use a donor or..."

"There was no woman," Felix said, looking serious. "It's just mine and Piers's. I became pregnant after one of our nights of hot loving. I know it doesn't make sense. I don't have a uterus. There was never an egg involved. But somehow, there is a baby inside me, formed by the love of two men."

Jerry was about to faint at this point and did not wish to do so in front of the cameras, so he thickly muttered, "Please. Leave."

"You don't believe me, do you?" Felix cried, jumping to his feet. "I'm carrying a child! Piers's child! How can you all shun it?" He promptly ran off, crying bitterly.

It was a while before the cries died down and people came to terms with the fact they had just seen a pregnant male, but eventually everyone was calm and Jerry felt ready to call the special guest. Yes, a special guest.

Then Feizhi strolled onto the stage, looking around in amazement before she sat down on the couch and glanced in mild disgust at that annoying pool of blood that was still there. Why didn't anybody even bother to clean it up?

**"Who is my mother?"**

"Hello, Feizhi, is it? Chinese?" Jerry asked. Feizhi nodded. He sat back and smiled. He had a very interesting secret here that he would get to expose himself! Okay, so the Wise One was behind it, but still... "I hear you wanted to come on here to find something out."

"That is correct," Feizhi said, nodding her head. "As a matter of fact, I am searching for my mother. My father says that she is still alive, but I do not know who or where she is."

"Well, I think it's time your father told you, isn't it?" Jerry said sympathetically. "So, tell us a little about yourself."

"I live in Xian, I can do kung fu and I can foresee the future," Feizhi told him. "I saw Altin being flooded and Hsu being trapped under boulders. I also foresee that your next episode will have a conjoined twin cheating on her sister with her married cousin."

Jerry coughed and spluttered, then frowned in annoyance. Why was she giving away details of future shows? He sighed. "That will do, thank you. Now why don't we see your father... Feh. What kind of a name is Feh?"

"Do not insult my father," Feizhi said, narrowing her eyes. "I can do kung fu, remember?" She looked up as Feh walked onstage and sat down next to her.

"Ah, Feizhi's father, correct?" Jerry said, staring in fascination. Goodness, that was a rather big nose. Feizhi was very lucky she had not inherited it.

"I am Master Feh from the Xian Dojo," said Feh. "I train my students in Chi and martial arts. Now, I know my daughter has no idea of who her mother is and I'm sorry to have not told her."

"Why is that, Father?" Feizhi asked.

"Because your mother was quite young when she had you, so she handed you over and let me raise her, without anybody knowing about her being your mother," Feh said. "I did not want scandal hanging over us."

"She was young?" Feizhi looked surprised. "How young?"

"Well, she's about thirty now," Feh said, looking shameful as he admitted the guilty secret. "You're sixteen, Feizhi. That means she was only fourteen and I was twenty myself."

"My goodness," Jerry said, looking scandalised. "That is completely inappropriate."

"You see why we had to keep it a secret?" Feh blurted out. "And... she was a very mature girl for her age! Why, she'd already left home at twelve and she became a master when she was just twenty."

"Wait, she is a master?" Feizhi's eyes widened.

"I can't hide it any longer," Feh said. "Didn't you ever wonder why you had purple hair too? I'm surprised you didn't figure it out yourself. How many people have purple hair?"

"Let's see the mother!" Jerry said.

And then Hama walked on stage and sat down on the opposite side of Feizhi, smiling as she looked down at her utterly scandalised and somewhat traumatised daughter.

"M-master Hama?" Feizhi wailed. "You are my mother?"

"That is correct," Hama said, nodding. "I taught you and your fellow students all these years knowing I was your mother, but I couldn't tell you for fear the secret would get out. People would be horrified to think that at my age... I bedded your father."

"I can't believe it," Feizhi said weakly. "I can't believe I didn't see it sooner. It should have been obvious. You seemed to like me best and... our hair... and... I am a fool!"

"No, Feizhi, you are no fool," Feh said gently, putting a hand on her shoulder. "I am sorry that we hid it from you from so long. Don't feel so bad about it."

"But isn't this great, Feizhi? It's all out in the open now," Hama said, smiling. "We can make a fresh start as a real family. You would like that, wouldn't you?"

Feizhi looked away, feeling extremely traumatised, confused and disturbed. Surely this was all some kind of crazy joke? Then something occured to her and she looked back up at Hama. "Wait... Ivan is your brother?"

"Yes. Why?" Hama asked.

"Then that makes him my uncle..." Feizhi paled and clapped a hand to her mouth. "Nooooooo!"

Everyone stared in surprise as Feizhi fainted and crashed to the floor.

"What is the meaning of this?" Feh shouted.

"I think Ivan sampled more than the food in Xian last time he went," Hama said through gritted teeth.

"Let's ask him, shall we?" Jerry asked, an eyebrow twitching. Then Ivan walked on stage and sat down, looking very guilty as Hama and Feh stared accusingly at him.

"I'm sorry," Ivan said, pretty much admitting to the truth. "You can punish me however you want."

"You are going to be a monk," Hama said in an acidic voice. "You will never have sex again."

"Feizhi, wake up!" Feh exclaimed, trying to rouse his unconscious daughter. "This is terrible!"

"I've got an even better idea," Jerry said, smirking. "The Wise One told me something very interesting and absolutely scandalous. Let's call Sheba on."

Sheba walked onto the stage, looking very confused as she sat next to Ivan. "Do you know what's going on? I'm confused."

"I don't want to be a monk," Ivan said in a flat voice. "Help me, Sheba."

"Nobody can help you now," Hama said. She looked at Jerry. "Why did you call Sheba on?"

"A monk?" Sheba whispered to Ivan. "Why are you going to be a monk?"

"The Wise One asked me to," Jerry said. "Sheba, you have been searching for your past, haven't you? Well, here's the truth you've been looking for your whole life."

"Really?" Sheba said, her eyes widening. "I can't believe it..."

"You are... from the moon," said Jerry. "Anemia, in fact. What a weird-"

"Anemos," Hama corrected.

"Oh. Well. Fine then," Jerry said, looking slightly irate.

"Anemos..." Sheba murmured. "It should have been completely obvious from the start. I'm such an idiot! Why did I never see it before?"

"And, now, your parents," Jerry said. "Quite interesting indeed, but first, let's ask a completely off-topic question. So, Hama, your mother died when Ivan was a baby. What about your father?"

"Hey, yeah, that's weird. Why does nobody in Contigo even talk about our father?" Ivan asked.

"I don't know," Hama said, frowning. "He disappeared one day, around the time Ivan was born. We never saw him since and I guess the people of Contigo just forgot about him completely. Weird, isn't it?"

"Well, now you can find out!" Jerry said, looking smug as he prepared to traumatise everyone. Feizhi had awoken at this point and was glaring daggers at Ivan, who didn't seem to notice. Sheba was on the edge of her seat with anxiety. "Your father... was taken to the moon!"

Gasps rose up from the small crowd of Adepts at Jerry's revelation.

"Interestingly enough, he settled down with another woman not long after arriving," Jerry said, tutting. "How cold. And they had a baby. However, that baby..."

"No," Sheba whispered, turning pale.

"Got chucked off the moon or something. Probably suffocated in space." Jerry finished. He looked at Sheba's ashen face. "I'm sorry, what? Oh, that's right, you fell off the moon, didn't you. How the heck did you survive falling through space?"

Sheba couldn't answer as she had fainted onto Ivan's lap. Hama looked accusingly at Ivan who blanched.

"It's not what you're thinking!" Ivan exclaimed. "Why would I do someone who could be my identical twin?"

"This is just too weird," said Feh.

"Everything is not making sense!" Feizhi cried. "I wish to go back to Weyard!"

"You're still going to be a monk!" Hama said ominously, causing Ivan to quake in his boots. "Let's go. I'm tired of being around that man."

Jerry bristled in annoyance as everyone got up and left the stage, though Sheba was actually dragged along by Ivan, still in a faint after all. Then once they were gone, he burst into maniacal laughter, confusing and scaring everyone who was watching.

When his bout of laughter was over, Jerry turned to look at the camera, looking quite tired. This extra long episode of his show had also been extra crazy, something he hadn't been expecting.

"I am afraid that's all we have," Jerry said, wiping sweat from his brow. He was feeling quite tired and just wanted to go sleep and forget about all this craziness. "Thank you for watching Jerry Springer. Be sure to tune in next time for even more scandal and craziness!"


	4. Outtakes

Outtakes

* * *

These were scenes I wrote up in the original version of the fic, but removed them due to the length. I've decided to add them as a kind of bonus chapter.

* * *

**"I am a Lolita"**

"So, Sheba, isn't it-" Jerry began.

"That's Lady Sheba to you," Sheba snapped, primly folding her hands in her lap. "I will not allow a mere Earthling to address me so informally."

"My apologies, iLady/i Sheba," Jerry said, curtseying awkwardly. "Please tell us a little about yourself."

"Very well," Sheba sniffed, raising her nose slightly. "I am a princess of Anemos, the city in the sky. People call it the moon. My parents, the King and Queen of Anemos, sent me down to Weyard as a child, praying I would not live as a commoner."

Jerry was quite unaware that Sheba was telling lies as he stared wide-eyed at her. Well, she wasn't exactly lying, she just didn't have a clue about her background. Still, he was amazed. A real princess, on his show! The ratings would go up for sure!

"I fell into the town of Lalivero and everybody cried tears of joy as they beheld the beautiful sight of the holy child who fell from the sky," Sheba said. "They took me in and raised me well, lavishing me with gold and riches. I was brought up well."

"Your parents must be pleased," Jerry said in rapture.

"That's the King and Queen to you!" Sheba snapped. "Even now, they are sitting on the moon, waiting for my return. One day, when I am older, I believe that I will return on a horse drawn carriage through the sky to my rightful parents. I will meet the rabbit on the moon who makes rice cakes and I will take my place as the Crown Princess."

"It must be hard being without your family," Jerry said sympathetically. "I do not wish to be rude, Princess, uh, Lady Sheba, but was there not something that you came here to speak about?"

"Very well," Sheba said, dabbing at her eyes with a handkerchief. "Excuse me. I have a confession to make. I am a lolita."

"A lolita, hm?" Jerry raised an eyebrow. "A young girl who pursues older men, correct? How old are you again?"

"I am fourteen years old," Sheba answered. "And yes, your definition is quite correct. I do, in fact, occasionally lust after men who are older than one would expect. Does that shock you?"

"I cannot even be shocked anymore," Jerry said matter-of-factly. "I'm used to it."

"Right," Sheba said, glancing around and swallowing. Lying sure was fun. She could do this all day if she wanted to. "It all started on the day I was escorted to Tolbi less than a year ago. Soldiers from Tolbi came to collect me with a white carriage drawn by twenty beautiful horses. The people of Lalivero cried and sobbed as they watched me be carried away and that day, they erected a statue and worshipped me as a saint in my absence."

"You were taken to Tolbi because...?" Jerry pressed.

"Babi, the Lord of Tolbi had requested I reside within his walls temporarily," Sheba answered grandly. "I accepted the request. While I stayed in Tolbi, Babi asked that the Laliverans built a lighthouse in my honour. He code-named it Babi Lighthouse, but truly the lighthouse was dedicated to me."

"My goodness..." Jerry blinked. He started to wonder if Sheba was making stuff up. Maybe he should play the games after all.

"I rarely saw Babi during my stay there," Sheba continued. "I was a busy person, with Tolbians begging to see me and have me perform miracles. Once I even fixed a broken leg with just the faintest of touches. They said I was a true miracle worker and begged me to stay so that I could cure their sicknesses and injuries."

Jerry frowned. The audience started muttering, rather unimpressed. It was now blatantly obvious Sheba was lying out of her ass and doing badly at it too.

"Babi, he was a rather weak and frail man," Sheba said. "Usually in bed. But once, I saw him out in the city, and then I was struck by the sight of him. His silvery hair flowing in the breeze, those wrinkles lining his skin, those gleaming eyes. I think that is the moment I became a lolita."

"Wow," Jerry said. "Anything else?"

"Well, I was soon escorted back to Lalivero after that so I did not get to see him again," Sheba said. "However, I ended up travelling with other people to save the world. If it wasn't for me, their quest would have been far more difficult, but I didn't come here to talk about that."

"Any older men in your group?" Jerry asked.

"Well, there's Piers," Sheba said. "He looks about my age but in actuality, he is far, far older. I didn't think much of him at first, but once I learned he could be much older than he looked, I began to find him more attractive. I wish he would notice me, but so far, no luck. How can he ignore me? I am a princess! The Crown Princess of Anemos!"

"Does he know that?" Jerry questioned.

"Ah, no. But isn't it obvious? Someone as grand and beautiful as me is obviously a true princess," Sheba said, looking haughty. "Felix isn't too bad either, but he's only four years older. In a few years, that isn't going to matter much."

"Eighteen and fourteen... I can see where it might be objectionable right now." Jerry nodded. "And the old man... Kraden, wasn't it?"

"Ah, you know," Sheba murmured, slowly shaking her head. "I don't think Kraden is really my type after all. I think he might be kind of hot, but he talks way too much. I get the shivers every time he starts talking and all I want is for him to shut his mouth. Sheesh."

"I see," Jerry said weakly, as the audience muttered even louder, some of them feeling quite disturbed. "Doesn't it bother you? You're so young and..."

"Love is love," Sheba announced defiantly. "Why should my age matter? If I want to go after hot and sexy older men, it's my choice. Good day to you, Mr Springer." She huffily got up and stormed off the stage.

**"Scales turn me on"**

"Ah, Felix, is it?" Jerry smiled pleasantly, despite the fact his teeth were chattering. Why couldn't he at least have had a longer break? "So, tell us why you are here."

"The Wise One forced me to come on," Felix muttered sulkily, gazing unhappily at the floor and wondering why there was a pool of blood there.

"Uh, of course..." Jerry muttered. He wished very much he could have seen what happened when the Wise One apparently appeared right onstage, but of course he had been frozen solid and by the time he thawed out, the pandemonium had died down. "So, what is your secret?"

Felix took a deep breath and looked up. "I get turned on by scales," he admitted, looking thoroughly ashamed. "Every time I see scales, I just get all excited."

Jerry blinked and shook his head, trying to fathom a love for scales. "So, you see anything with scales, you automatically have an attraction to it?" Felix nodded. "So, what started this?"

"Well, I spent three years in this place, Prox," Felix said. "And... I got to know the people there pretty well. They are rather different to the rest of us, they have bright red eyes, pointed ears... and of course, scales." He let out a rapturous sigh, apparently thinking of the scales.

"I see," Jerry said, once again disturbed by the thought of such people existing. He wasn't sure he ever wanted to see one either. "So you became attracted to these people with scaly skin?"

"Sort of. I wasn't exactly wanting to do everyone," Felix said awkwardly. "But Menardi and Karst... I just started thinking they were the hottest women I had ever seen in the whole of Weyard, and I realised it was because of the scales."

"You're definitely sure it was because of the scales?" Jerry inquired. Maybe he just liked people with pointy ears. That was at least something logical he could get his head around, what with those movies with those elves in.

"Uh huh. I'm sure of it because..." Felix broke off and swallowed, feeling quite awkward. He'd never spoken about this to anyone before, because, well, it was just downright embarrassing! "I started looking at anything with scales differently. Lizards, even. And... I even thought the Doom Dragon was hotter than the Fusion Dragon!" He put his face in his hands in sheer embarrassment.

Jerry blinked and sat back, feeling rather surprised. There were even real dragons where they came from? Oh, wait, he was supposed to be focusing on the scales. "Oh, I see. You really do have a scale fetish."

"It's kind of a problem," Felix said glumly. "I'm afraid if I see some scary reptilian, like, a crocodile, I won't even be able to fight it because I'll be too busy staring at its scales. This could be rather dangerous."

"Maybe you should get some therapy," Jerry said thickly. "I'm trying to sound as nice as possible here, but this is just not normal. Oh, wait, my show's not even normal. Never mind then."

"I just love scales," Felix sighed, looking absolutely piteous as he thought again of scales. "So beautiful and shiny, cold and hard to the touch. I have to stay away from lizards, especially giant, dangerous ones because of this."

"Yes, quite," Jerry said, feeling thoroughly fazed. "Anyway, I think I would like to see the next guest now. This is just getting a little too disturbing for me. Goodbye."

"Everybody shuns me!" Felix wailed, bursting into tears. "I can't help liking scales!" He ran off the stage, still crying bitterly.

Jerry just waited patiently until the next guest, Ivan, came walking onto the stage and sat down.

**"I am expecting"**

"Hello, Mr Springer," Ivan said, nodding politely and smiling. "Thank you for having me on the show."

"So, Ivan, right?" Jerry folded his hands in his lap and frowned. "So, I'm a little confused, but apparently you're here because you are expecting a baby in a few months."

"That is correct," Ivan said, sitting back and smirking. He glanced at the audience, who were silent and staring. "So, I suppose I'm here to talk about my soon to be born child, though I don't get it."

"I don't get it either!" Jerry exploded, startling Ivan. He couldn't see anything scandalous about it all, unless Ivan was about to announce that it was his cousin's baby or the mother to be was a monkey or something equally as absurd. "I'm sorry for yelling. Congratulations, by the way."

"Thank you, Mr Springer," Ivan said, recovering from the shock of being yelled at. "I am very excited about this. A new future with my own child."

"You know, you look a little young," Jerry said, frowning. Surely that wasn't it? Great, this was just a rehash of Sheba's lolita thing, wasn't it? Except with Ivan in Sheba's place. "How old are you?"

"I am fifteen," Ivan replied matter-of-factly. The audience shuddered slightly. "I know I'm a little young for things like this, but, this wasn't exactly planned either."

"My goodness," Jerry said, shaking his head. He wasn't sure he wanted to know how old the mother was. But was this really a big deal? There had to be some deep secret Ivan wasn't telling him. He needed to pry a little more. "So, please tell me about the mother."

"Mother?" Ivan repeated blankly, raising an eyebrow.

Jerry stared at him in exasperation. Was he seriously that dumb? Strange, he actually seemed pretty intelligent. "The girl who is carrying your child!"

"Oh no, Mr Springer," Ivan said, chuckling in amusement. "I'm afraid you misunderstand." He paused for dramatic effect. "I am the one who is pregnant."

Jerry stared at him, an eyebrow twitching. Then he looked closer and frowned. "I'm sorry, I thought you were... forgive me, with your name, I assumed you were a boy."

"I am a boy!" Ivan cried out, looking offended. "And I'm pregnant with a baby!" He raised his shirt, showing his swelling stomach. The camera immediately panned in. "See?"

The audience exploded, with screams and cries of disbelief. Jerry froze, eyes widening. If he looked close enough, he could even see Ivan's Adam's apple, so he sure wasn't pretending.

"But... but... how is it possible?" Jerry spluttered, shaking his head. "Then... who is the mother? There is a mother, right? Maybe you... had some weird experiment or..."

"There is no mother," Ivan said calmly. "Just the other father and I."

Well, that was just too much. Two men could hardly make a baby together. Jerry's head was throbbing intensely as he tried to get around this and the studio was quite noisy right now. "Who's the other man?"

"Garet," Ivan said. "He's very excited about this too. We don't know how it happened, but somehow I became pregnant. Even with the lack of an egg, not having an uterus... I have a baby inside me. Garet's baby and mine."

Jerry was about to faint at this point so he just thickly muttered, "Please. Leave."

"I know it's rather strange and difficult to understand, if not completely impossible," Ivan said, getting to his feet. "But it's real. Anyway, goodbye, Mr Springer." He suddenly put a hand over his mouth and ran off, looking like he was about to be sick.

It was a while before the cries died down and people came to terms with the fact they had just seen a pregnant boy, but eventually everyone was calm and Jerry felt ready to call the special guest. Yes, a special guest.


End file.
